Nightmare Poetry

A satirical tribute to Monty Python based on the Lumberjack Song. What if they wrote horror today?

The Vampire Song

I always wanted to be a Vampire 

Fluttering my cape through Sherwood

Beneath mighty oak tree limbs

Over ancient brooks and streams.

Leading across the inland fields 

Down to the mighty seas of destiny 

With my best girly bitten on the neck

By my side, we sing our song:

I'm a vampire and I'm OK

I sleep all day and bite at night.

I roam through the shire 

Looking for human prey,

But rarely find a toe to bite.

(Chorus) 

He's a vampire and he's OK.

He sleeps all day and bites at night.

He roams through the shire 

Looking for human prey,

But rarely finds a toe to bite.

I landed on branches.

Spy on old ladies

Looking through their windows.

Watching them undress

Thrills me to no end.

When you walk beneath me, I am unseen.

I poop like a pigeon on your hair.

Before you know what hit your head

I've  fluttered away and skipped away, unseen.

(Chorus) 

When you walk beneath him, he is unseen.

He poops like a pigeon on your hair.

Before you know what hits your head

He's fluttered away and skips away unseen.

(Chorus)

He's a vampire and he's OK.

He sleeps all day and bites at night.

He can't catch anyone in daylight

Because he's blind as a bat outside.

On Wednesday, I go out to tea

Wanting to bite every girly I see.

I put on grandma's old paisley dress,

And hang around street corners,

But no one is attracted to me.

For they run away and scream.

(Chorus)

On Wednesday, he goes out to tea

Wanting to bite every girl he sees.

He puts on Gram's old paisley dress,

And hangs around street corners?

I'm a vampire and I'm OK.

I sleep all day and bite at night.

I roam from pub to pub

Dressed in red spiked high heels 

And Grandma's old paisley bra.

(Chorus) 

He's a vampire and he's not OK.

Oh! Forget It!